its always you

first written, 27th november 2005

But it is not strange at all, how now I desperately want to call you because I feel myself so empty inside and all I want to do now is cry but find myself hestitating. Eventually I will not dial your number, even though its so easy to – you’re speed dial number 5, right there in the middle.

Like him, you’re someone I look towards for solace, all the time. But when I respond to these urges, I almost always regret it instantaneously, when you reply with indifferent words and dispassionate responses. In your voice, instead of recognisable tenderness, I find myself having to insulate myself from your nonchalance.

This feeling of dejection is getting too familiar, yet somehow, I'll never learn.